>A BIG Relationship Success Secret…

Yes, apparently Katy and Russell have called it off. Truthfully, I’m more surprised by the celebrity relationships that do make it than those that don’t – can you imagine a camera in your face every time you came out of Stop&Shop, in the middle of an argument with your honey?! What we focus on is what grows; so what

Kevin & Kyra, btw…

do you expect when exponentially more focus, and money, is put on the bad stuff in your relationship, by people all over the world? (When was the last time Kyra and Kevin sold an US Weekly?… Who? My point exactly.)

The truth that no one really talks about is that this stuff takes serious work. ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ is a crock. Expecting your partner to be able to read your thoughts because they ‘know you so well’ was invented by Hollywood. Or maybe Disney. Wait, no – Disney is more like: love at first sight and then happily ever after… not so big on actually knowing anything about each other… trust me, Cinderella’s abandonment issues are going to clash with the Prince’s… wait, can I get sued for this?

The secret is in really knowing each other, which requires conversations that take longer than a text, and looking at each others’ face. It requires sharing space and activities that involve interaction, not just staring at a screen for three hours. We constantly evolve as human beings, so that when your partner says or does something unexpected, it’s crucial that we come from a place of curiousity. Really knowing someone is about first accepting that things about them are going to change, and then learning about it.

For example, a curious response would be, “Oh, what makes you say that?” or, “Wow, I didn’t know you were interested in__________, tell me more“.

Invite a bigger conversation – Confusion or defensiveness is a good sign that something is being challenged for you – it makes sense you’d get protective. But what would it be like for you if you confessed your budding interest in singing somewhere outside of the shower; (preferably clothed,) and your partner responded with interest rather than criticism. Wouldn’t it give you the space to explore, to learn about yourself? And wouldn’t it give you the opportunity to know each other better, as you embark on that journey? (Yes, yes it would).

Celebrity couples are challenged with entire industries telling them who they have to be, and focusing on all of the negatives. Where does your focus come from in your relationship? How do you and your partner decide where to put your energy? How to you let yourselves be known to each other? How do you invite each other to grow?

What a great way to start 2012. Come from a place of curiosity; and do the work to understand the change, and embrace your ever-evolving relationship. Happy New Year everyone. And Katy, Russell – give me a call.






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