How often do you feel that your partner doesn’t know you, or that you are talking at rather than with each other? These symptoms often indicate a relationship parasite known as assumption.
We interpret the world according to our own experience; but being in a healthy relationship means getting out of your own head and recognizing that the other person’s unique experience is as real and as important as yours. When you assume that the other person feels a certain way, solely because that’s how you would (or do) feel, it leaves them feeling misunderstood and lonely.
Correct assumptions are based on past experience; but we get into trouble when the experience is outdated, like assuming your partner doesn’t want you to bring her flowers because she’s made a thousand comments about Valentine’s Day being a “contrived” holiday… back in college. Twenty. Years. Ago. (She also refused to shave her legs at that time; has that changed?!) Problems also arise when you base an assumption on one single event – like assuming that your partner dislikes your mother, based on the one time he waved the phone away when you held it out to him. Hurtful? Yes. Misunderstood? Probably. Aren’t you curious about what they really think?
Sometimes we assume each others’ motivations, based on what we’ve known in our own lives – a common one is some version of “…he’s being really nice – I wonder what he wants from me…” or “…she’s just doing that because she wants attention…” Either one makes it hard to accept kindness from someone we’re supposed to love.
Ironically, most of the time we think we know our loved ones so well, we don’t need to ask what’s happening with them. Add on the hectic pace of our lives, throw in kids, a work promotion, or a crisis and it’s even harder to keep up with those little (or big) changes in each other… but it’s not impossible…
The key to avoiding conflict over incorrect assumptions is… to… ASK. If your partner is offended because ‘you should know that by now’, calmly explain that they’re so wonderfully dynamic, you wouldn’t be surprised if their outlook has shifted somewhat.
Look, the reason your co-workers know more about your daily life than your partner is because you talk to them all day! So try taking just 10 minutes at the end of the day to shut everything down and talk with your partner! You have ten minutes, Mr. ‘Storage Wars’… and Miss ‘Housewives‘. Try it. You might like it so much that you chat right through ‘the Daily Show‘. You’ll see less assumption and more connection, which usually means more snuggling and… well, you know…
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