Category: Vicious Cycles

  • >the September issue

    >the September issue

    If you could do a ‘makeover‘ on just ONE ASPECT of your relationship, what would it be? If you could rip that feature out of your relationship, stuff it in a bag and toss it forever, what would your ‘new and improved’ relationship look like? How much lighter would you feel? We really love complaining…

  • >Mars and Venus collide…

    >Mars and Venus collide…

    Sex. You want it, they don’t. They want it, but you don’t. This is one that comes up for couples all. the. time. There are a few things that could be happening, but I want to talk about a really likely one- Different Strategies. Men want to have sex to feel emotionally connected to their…

  • >What’s stopping you?

    “The only limits we have, are the limits we set for ourselves!” -John Victor Self www.victorselffitness.com My beloved spin instructor shouted this out as I sweated along to pounding club music, at the exact moment I was absolutely sure that my legs were going to fall off. I couldn’t help but think about how this…

  • >Let’s unpack…

    >Let’s unpack…

    I promised to talk about what’s getting set off for you by your partner’s behavior, and then I got distracted. BAD Therapist! No cookie for me!!! So you remember the 90/10 rule, right? (Go ahead, click the link, I know you don’t have all day to keep this stuff in your head – that’s why…

  • >”Healthy” fighting?!

    Question via email: “What is “healthy” fighting? Is it about the pre-approach/pre-conflict resolution, the conflict itself (cusses and all), or the make up? Can you set new patterns, or does the pattern, once set, repeat itself to infinity?” A: I’m so glad you asked- Healthy couples do argue; when they deny it, I worry about…

  • >It’s not about the toothpaste.

    >It’s not about the toothpaste.

    You’re staring at your partner’s toothbrush, resting comfortably on its spot above the sink, dripping creamy white froth onto your shiny faucet. Drip. Drip. Driiiiiip… You have asked them to rinse it about Forty. Billion. Times… Each drip raises your anger to a new level until you are moved to storm down the hallway and…

  • >Excitement? Arousal?

    I’m trying to think of good therapist-y words that will convey to you what I’m feeling about what I’m doing this week. “Therapist Porn” comes close, but the resulting spam is just not worth it… I’m in NYC, attending four days of intense training with the founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson, and soooooo…

  • >”I’m sorry” isn’t enough…

    >”I’m sorry” isn’t enough…

    How many times do you have to hear ‘I’m sorry,’ before you stop believing it?! How many times are you going to make the same mistake, or allow your partner to continue hurting you, before you insist that something be done?! Being faithful is not just about staying married, it’s about believing in the best…

  • >Stupid Fights and Brownie Sundaes

    >Stupid Fights and Brownie Sundaes

    If your goal is a healthy relationship, then why do you do stupid stuff like call your partner names, curse at them, or tell them in however many words how ‘tired you are of their sh*t’?! It may be totally true that you have less and less time/energy to devote to your relationship… but it’s…

  • >Assume = ASS + U & ME

    >Assume = ASS + U & ME

    How often do you feel that your partner doesn’t know you, or that you are talking at rather than with each other? These symptoms often indicate  a relationship parasite known as assumption. We interpret the world according to our own experience; but being in a healthy relationship means getting out of your own head and…