>Have better sex than ‘Top Gun’…

When I think of sex scenes, the first to pop into my mind is from ‘Top Gun’; with white curtains billowing in the breeze, an 80’s love ballad playing… you know the one. Yes, you do; stop lying.

Even though Maverick and Charlie barely know each other, they seem to just… know exactly where… and exactly how… to touch each other.

If you recall how you were first introduced to sex, it was probably not so much in words, but in images – whether on screen, in someone’s Playboy or a story about someone’s older sibling. Those images usually portray this idea that good sex should just be spontaneous; that if someone truly loooooves you, then they should just “know” what it is that you want. It’s as if your true soulmate’s instinct alone should eliminate all need for any kind of actual communication in the bedroom – otherwise something must be wrong. (Can you imagine Kelly McGillis softly whispering to Tom Cruise, ‘Hey could you move over a little? I’m falling off the bed…’?!) CUT!

The truth is, the “shoulds” screw us up in the bedroom more than anything else – those “shoulds” are usually loaded up with fears about whether we are good enough for our partner, or whether they will love us enough to get it right. All of the shoulds and right vs. wrong make it impossible to be free and playful, don’t they? We need to learn how to have conversations about what feels good and what doesn’t, while making it clear to our partner that we love them so so SO much, and we’ll never, ever leave them.

There’s a guy named Barry McCarthy* who has studied a lot of sex, and finds that it’s not that happier couples have all of this mind-blowing sex. Rather, more resilient couples acknowledge the value in “good enough” sex, and find ways to bridge differences in desire, needs and expectations.

That requires some uncomfortable conversations; the best you can do is address your partner with sensitivity (i.e., by considering how you would want to hear that your counterclockwise swirl has gotten old.) That sensitivity includes having this conversation not in the bedroom, not at bedtime, and definitely not right after they’ve done the thing you hate.

You will have better sex… and you won’t need billowing curtains, perfect bodies or 80’s love ballads to do it.

*Brief article here

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One response to “>Have better sex than ‘Top Gun’…”

  1. Hey Maggie
    Thanks for the post and I love that it is geared towards those of us oldsters approaching middle age-with the top gun and Seinfeld references!
    When I see teens or collage aged kids or teach, I am painfully reminded of how far away I am from current “hip” cultural references-Seinfeld references are met with silence even jersey shore ones, as this show is in its 5th season, are already getting old.
    Thanks for the thought provoking ideas.
    Happy Summer

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