The big three. Sex. Kids. Money.
Let’s talk about SEX, baby…it’s a big one – especially once you have kids and fall off that gravy train, (assuming that you were getting enough before…) There is much to be said about stress and exhaustion, but we just feel like something’s wrong if we’re not ‘doing it’. Generally speaking, women need to feel connected to have sex, and men have sex to feel connected. Most couples balk at the idea of “scheduling” sex, but you schedule fun things all the time, like parties and dates, why not sex? Scheduling sex means that you value it enough to create space in your life to focus on your connection with your partner. ALERT: This does not mean stripping down and humping away! This means giving your partner adequate foreplay, which might mean pre-sex time, where you look into each other’s eyes and really listen to each other; give foot massages; or whatever gets you both ‘in the mood’. Sex is FUN, and creating time for it gives you something to look forward to in the time leading up to it!
Money is security. There’s no getting around it. Like sex, we are socialized to think that it’s a bad or “rude” thing to talk about money, so we don’t. But I will because your marriage depends on it. When you’re married, your security becomes tied to your partner’s – suddenly, a $3000 handbag becomes a mortgage payment or two. Couples get stuck arguing about where to save and spend, when the real concern is in the area of wondering if you will be able to take care of each other, and possibly your growing family. Most people don’t get to that more emotional place on their own – so finances become a source of tension, and discussions about them get avoided at all costs. Add today’s economic climate to that mix, and you’ll find that many people are living in a state of chronic financial crisis. (…and not talking about it… you see the problem…)
Ah, kids – the source of our deepest joy and ourbiggest headaches… When arguing about kids, whether it’s about sleep methods with an infant or curfew with a teen, limits are likely involved in some way – (i.e., ‘…should we let our child _____?’) You know what else is involved? Your issues. Yeah, that same crap you complain about with your partner is what’s going to play out with your kids. This tends to be the more deep-rooted stuff that we’re not always aware of, even when it’s happening right in front of us! If you were in therapy before, you’ll probably go again when you have kids, because they really do have a direct line into our insecurities and fears, and once those come up, we tend to emotionally vomit all over the nearest target.
What do you think? Want more about these? In-Laws? Work vs. Home? You tell me how your life changed after marriage, and I’ll write you a post!
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